The Day Jared From Subway Visited My Elementary School

In 2004, when I was 11, I was stripped away from my usual lunch-time activities to go see my mom. She was my school’s French teacher so it only took me a minute in my flashing batman shoes to run over to her classroom. When I arrived, she asked me to hand over my lunch bag, and then she told me that I had Celiac Disease.

While this life-changing news sunk in, she reached into my bag and stole my mac and cheese, my banana chocolate chip muffins, and my Oreos, and then she handed back a deflated lunch bag with a warm yogurt tube and a mushy piece of cheese.

But it wasn’t just my sad lunch bag, my loss of gluten, and the painful idea that I had lived twelve, sub-prime glutanny years that made this day the worst. It was also Jared from Subway. See, after a lunch spent crying about how it was glutens fault that I wasn’t the funniest or fastest, I was ushered to the gym for an assembly about the healthiness of Subway sandwiches.

When we got there, Jared was dead-eyed and sweaty standing on our gym’s stage. Then, as we all quieted down, Jared started his presentation about how he had lost hundreds of pounds eating Subway sandwiches. As proof, he showed us the biggest pair of blue jeans I have ever seen, then, to add to the effect, he got a legion of kids to get up on stage and stand in his pants to fill them up. My classmates fit inside his pants, and at the same time, overcrowded the stage.

After that, Jared finished up his talk and started to step off the stage, but right before he disappeared behind the curtains, he turned, gave a wicked smile, and said, “oh yeah, I forgot to mention that everyone in the school gets a free sandwich!”

And just like that, it started raining three-inch, micro sandwiches. Everywhere I looked, people were tearing into delicious, glutanny, cold-cut subs. It took every ounce of willpower I had not to bite my mom as she ripped my sub out of my gluten-free hands.

On top of everything else, it was an all-time low. But now, in hindsight, I am thankful I avoided eating two lunches in one day like the rest of Jared’s assembly victims. Afterall, overeating is bad.

In the end, it’s a funny story. That being said, I hope that our schools are not still taking kids away from class to have people like Jared sell them on the health benefits of fast food.

All the best,
C

— —

Read more of my stuff at www.conorwriter.com